


Joochan's Diary of Thoughts

by gwangsuk



Category: Golden Child (Korea Band)
Genre: I love u Joochan, I'm sorry Joochan, It's not on detail so it's not really scary, M/M, Self-Harm, just expressing my feelings, not horror tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:07:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25864075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwangsuk/pseuds/gwangsuk
Summary: Joochan thought that everything always went well as he'd like it to be, but he was wrong. It's just that maybe he needs time to get over everything.
Relationships: Choi Sungyoon | Y/Hong Joochan, Hong Joochan/Kim Donghyun, Hong Joochan/Kim Jibeom
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Joochan's Diary of Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> The work will be from Joochan's point of view because this is a diary.

_"I want to rest."_

_"Can I just stop all of this?"_

_"Everything is hurting me."_

_"Please just leave me alone"_

_"I want to quit, I'll give up on my dreams and find another way to survive without thinking of it anymore."_

Have you ever thought of this sentence in your head? Maybe a lots of time, maybe you rarely thought of it, or maybe it came to you at some point of life. I used to be thinking about these sentences everyday. Yes, everyday. You probably think that I'm crazy. I feel like everything just hurts me so bad that I want to stop all of this. There may be some time of happiness, but happiness doesn't last long. It never last long. The source of happiness that you thought might be the one that'll hurt you the most. I feel like I need someone to help me out of this hell but I don't want to be an object of pity. I'm still trying to get over everything that haunts me at night, trying to sleep without thinking about all of the stuff that is going in my head.

I never felt insecure. I know I'm capable to do anything that I want, I know that I have a lots of chance to proof that I can do it. But sometimes I'm just too scared. Not about my ability nor about the things that other people thought of me. I'm just scared that maybe it's not the thing that I should have do. I'm afraid that it all became a regret to me later and I don't want to dwell on regrets.

Jibeom always encourages me in everything I do. He always supports me. He is a really nice friend. But I'm afraid of the word _friend_. They may be a friend today, but how about tomorrow? I don't believe in relationships and friends because of the things that happened to me before. It's just hard to opened up to someone when they hurts you so bad. I wanted to trust Jibeom but I'm just too afraid of the possibility that Jibeom might just be the same as Donghyun.

Donghyun was a friend of mine who I used to trust, hang out and fool around together. But he just ended up back stabbing me. Our relationship as a friend has been really bad after the incident where Donghyun said something that he shouldn't have said and I slapped him. He slapped me back and I just pour the water on my water bottle to his face. He never apologized and he never felt bad. Afterwards, he kept on annoying me with his new friends. They used me as a joke. They even put a dead rat on my desk's drawer once. Well know I knew what he is like. Maybe it's the perfect time to wake up and realize that he isn't a good friend. 

I once reject Jibeom's offer to build a loving relationship with him. I just can't, I'm too afraid that he might hurt me although he still stays close as a friend for me after I rejected him. I know that Jibeom is really nice but I just can't help but feel that he might be the same as Sungyoon hyung. I just can't help but thought of the bad possibilities before the nice possibilities when bad things kept on happening to me.

I don't really want to mention about Sungyoon hyung because the bad memories lingered more than the nice one. Was it even nice when everything is just a pretense? 

_"Look I'm really sorry about this but I really enjoyed the time we spent together. Our memories are still precious okay? Please just don't forget about this."_

Look here hyung. When you lied to me a lot of times already, would you even expect me to believe your words anymore? All of the things that you spout seems like a nonsense, you just didn't want to be the bad guy and pretended that you regret. Just stop, I know that you are pretending. 

Do you even know how much I suffered because of you? I kept on hurting myself, I kept on banging my head on the wall, thinking of why it didn't break, why I am not dead? I trusted you with all of me. Blood doesn't even seems like a thing that I would be scared anymore. Jaehyun, Jangjun hyung and Tag hyung even renovated my room so that the walls became cushions so that I can't bang my head to the wall anymore. Do you not feel guilty? I even told you the thing that happened with Donghyun and here you are, breaking me even worse. Daeyeol hyung and Seungmin hyung kept on accompanying me everyday, afraid that I'll do something bad. I trusted them more even though we are only step brothers. I feel like no one will ever took really care of me if they aren't a family. 

Yes, there's a big fight between me and Bomin before, and now it turns out that you are his brother? So Sungyoon hyung, you did all of this for pretense? So that I accepted you as a boyfriend and you could ridicule me in front of your friends? How nice of you. Do you know what hurts me the most? It's your plan all along because Donghyun gave you money to do this to me.

If you feel bad for me, why would you moved on from me so quickly? Not even apologizing for pretending? I know your words before aren't sincere. I can feel it.

Do you know how long I get over things? I trusted you the most and now I knew that you're using me as a joke to get closer to Donghyun. If you don't like me, just say so. It doesn't even hurt anymore.

Now you see, I'm already getting over you and you won't be able to hurt me anymore. I will live my life happily without you and Donghyun. I'm not gonna hurt myself anymore just because of another person who didn't think of me. I won't let you take advantage of me anymore just because of my dream.

I'll see you on another page of my diary next time.

골든차일드

"Joochan, are you awake? Look at the time, it's 9 a.m. You need to get ready for our concert tonight! We also still have some rehearsal to do! Hey, Hong Joochan! Wake up!" a soothing voice is trying to woke him up.

"Shuddup I need more sleep, I can't sleep last night!" Joochan answered.

"Are you doing that thing again? If you don't wake up I'll get Jangjun hyung to woke you up with his brand new pan and spoon! I'll also tell Daeyeol hyung about this!" 

"Fine, just ssshhh Kim Jibeom!" Joochan grumpily answered.

"Okay now get to bath before I kick you out!" Jibeom pulled Joochan out of bed while pushing him out of the room.

"Ya Kim Jibeom!!!" Joochan shouts while taking some sulky steps towards the bathroom.

"Did you stayed awake last night to write another fanfiction with me as a villain? Because your face says that you did."

"Oh, hi Sungyoon hyung. How did you know?" Joochan grinned.

"Because you liked to see me as a villain although I'm really nice and sweet to you," Sungyoon answered.

"No way! It's just your imagination!" Joochan answered.

"Why did you write a fanfiction about us anyways?" Seungmin asked while Jaehyun nodded, wanting to know too.

"So that Golden Child got more fanfictions when we searched about it of course!" Joochan answered proudly.

"He also likes to make me as a villain on his story!"

"Shuddup Donghyun, I don't!" Joochan yelled.

"Yes you are!" Donghyun yelled back.

"Okay stop arguing and just go and hurry up take a bath before your boyfriend kicks you again," Sungyoon told Joochan.

"Okay okay, see you later."

Joochan's note:

What you read before this is just a fanfiction made by me, so please don't yell at me! It's not that I want to make myself as a pitiful person, it's just that I want to tell you guys that you should be careful of your own actions! It might affect someone else even though you didn't feel like you're doing something bad >:( Oh- and I also wanted to be the main character so yea :D And also remember this! Maybe sometimes, it seems like the whole world really hates you and no one is on your side. But remember there will always still be someone that cared about you! Maybe this is not much but when you're sad, you can take a peek at our videos and we, Golden Child will try our best to make you happy! And also, see you next time on another fanfiction that I made!

this is the end, for real.

really the end, there's nothing here.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, it has been a long time since I last wrote and posted something. So, I hope that everyone here liked it although I returned with quite a weird story. See you again on my next work!


End file.
